Interviewer: Why should we hire you?Me: The real question is, why should I allow you to hire me?
I have had the craziest time over the past few weeks. I’m currently job hunting. I completely changed my career a couple of years ago and have been freelancing to get a variety of experience under my belt. Now it’s time for me to move to something a little more permanent so I can finally have some of the stability I have been itching for.
When I set off on my job hunting quest I didn’t realise what an adventure it would be. I thought I’d apply to some ads, do some interviews, and then hopefully be successful in gaining a job. I know that in the grand scheme of things I haven’t been job hunting for too long, but I never expected to encounter so many LOL, SMH, WTF, and FML moments.
To give you an indication of what the past few weeks have been like, here are some actual examples of situations I have been in:
- I have been to five interviews where I have not heard a word back. Actual face to face interviews. Not a “thanks for re-organising your schedule to come and meet us”, or even a single “it was nice to link up with you but unfortunately you aren’t the right fit for this role”. Just complete radio silence. Why didn’t I follow up with them, I hear you ask? I have so many reasons why I don’t believe that’s a good idea and ultimately, if an organisation is that disrespectful, I’ve probably just dodged a bullet.
- I was actually told that because I have been freelancing for three years my resume makes me appear “unstable” and therefore no organisation would be willing to take a chance on employing me. Ever. And no, apparently the fifteen years of experience I had prior to freelancing doesn’t count for anything. Man, do not even get me started on this. I could write an entire article on why you definitely should hire people who have freelanced and how good they are at adapting, motivating themselves, and bringing fresh and exciting ideas to the table.
- Then there’s the invitation to the mystery interview. I had applied for a particular role but was told I wasn’t suitable for it. I was apparently suitable for another position they had available so they asked if I would like to meet them to interview for that instead. When I enquired as to what the role might be, they simply said that I would have to meet with them to find out. Just no.
And there are plenty more stories like those from recent times. These are the moments that have prompted me to sit down, have a little bit of a think about my current situation, and make the decision to do things differently. And by differently, I mean that I have decided to advertise for my ideal company. It’s gotta be out there somewhere, amirite? I wanted to be thorough and attract the best kind of company possible so I did a bit of research on how to write a compelling ad.
First up, I learned that I need an exciting and memorable title. A quick google search of catchy job advertisement titles lead me to this interesting example: “In most countries punching your boss is a crime”*. I’m not even joking – this is an actual example. I know we have all considered this option at some point in time, but I think that’s taking things a bit too far so how about something like this…
Do You Have What It Takes To Employ Me?
Are You Looking For The Perfect Employee?
Hire Me…You Won’t Regret It!
Hmm, this is not as easy as I thought. During my Google search, I learned that there’s nothing worse than being inundated with applications that are not suitable. So maybe I should just get to the crux of it and begin by being blunt…
I am looking to join a professional, fun, and successful organisation that values creativity, hard work, open-mindedness, courage, passion, respect, and integrity. That seems like a lot, doesn’t it? But to be honest, these are my minimum requirements so if you can’t demonstrate all of these values, then I must thank you for your interest but unfortunately, in this instance, I will not be progressing your application.
That’s obviously a list of my ‘must haves’ so I suppose I should address the ‘nice to haves’ as well.
Ideally, you will be an organisation with a casual dress code. I know this might not seem like a big deal but if I am falling down stairs in heels, and getting stuck to my keyboard because the compulsory workplace identification lanyard around my neck dangles out of control, how on earth can I possibly be expected to perform well? Yes, these things have really happened to me so I am quite passionate about the topic. Also, I have tattoos. I’m planning on getting more so it’d be great if you are comfortable with that. I am a creative person and that is just one way I express myself. I promise I won’t judge if you don’t have any.
Next is the part where I tell them a little bit about myself but apparently not in too much detail – just enough to get them interested…
I am a production and event specialist with exceptional project management, communication, and logistics skills. I have significant experience in the areas of theatre and festival production, and have worked extensively in the management and coordination of corporate training events including developing content, facilitation, client management, resource acquisition, budgeting, and scheduling.
The next bit of advice I found on my fact-finding mission was to offer challenges, not rewards. I’m not sure I feel comfortable with this tip – it seems like a bit of a bum-steer. From my experience with job hunting so far, no one wants to hire someone who is challenging. But, the internet knows best so let’s give it a crack.
When you employ me, you will be met with energy and ambition. I dislike being bored so am looking to work in the busiest of environments. I like to test myself and attempt new things often. I believe that keeping up to date with the likes of technology, processes, and the industry in general, makes myself and my team much more effective. This will mean change, so you need to completely embrace that. I am very independent and self-motivated but I love being surrounded by a collaborative team so if you have ever said “that is not part of my job description” then I thank you for taking the time to read this far but unfortunately you are not the crew for me.
Another little nugget of job advertising gold I found is that because I already have so much on my plate, it’s best to let everyone know there is only a very slim chance that I will contact them.
I am very busy and important. Unless you submit an application addressing the criteria stated in this ad, and outline how you can help me achieve my career goals, you will not be hearing from me. Actually, because I am so completely time poor, even if you do spend an eternity putting together an in-depth application, you probably still won’t hear from me because if I do get a spare moment, I’m giving myself an early mark!
According to my research, all I need to do now is sit back and watch the applications roll on in.